im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Randomize
