just tell him i said nine months
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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