hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
