I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
