please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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