went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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