Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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