I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
