ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
