All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I just pynch a tree in the face
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Randomize
