I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize