She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
