my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
