my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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