this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
