It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
So much Jack, so little girl.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
