You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
