if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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