I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize