turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
Be still, my beating vagina.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize