someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
