drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
