I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize