uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
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