I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
