Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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