just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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