Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Randomize
