I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
