I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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