dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Dignity is for republicans.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
