I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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