Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Randomize
