Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Randomize
