Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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