cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The air was thick with penises
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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