I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Randomize
