the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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