not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
