I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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