I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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