life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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