I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize