What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
