There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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