So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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