I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
