i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
