Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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