im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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