White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
