so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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