I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
