He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
