She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
