Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
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